If only. I'm still not sure it's really in my nature, because I still use those fucking pills and they still make me feel special. Sure it's a better supplier, a better model of them, but it's not like that wasn't the kink Irina and I were using all the time and it felt good.

[ And yet. ]

I'm so glad to have a family I wanted a family I still do want a family.

[ That was so incoherent and he knows it. He puts his face in his hands, because right now he's both pitying himself and justifying himself. Really, he's making a mess of it - nowhere near the controlled sort of person he wanted to be in the first place and could present himself as being at the best of times. It's true that Nariko might have pushed him away, but it's not like he wouldn't have imploded even if she didn't. He was something now, even if he didn't feel like it sometimes.

But then, he was conditioned to think all he could do was fail. He was raised that way, after all. ]