masanari | [Futurelandia] An Eventful Valentines and beyond (happy new year)

We had the 'chill' thing pretty put together.

[For whatever reason there are still individuals who don't know what that term actually means, so she kind of assumes Sullivan is one of them. But it's not a big deal, when they make it to the living room she dumps herself on the cough, grabbing the remote before she leans back and crosses her legs.

.... How long ...]

Uhm. [WELL.]

No idea! Maybe less than an hour? [She'd stopped thinking about the food once she managed to get their address out, sooooo.]

[ He's not good at 'chill' in all honesty. Or well, one form of the word chill, the other one's up in the air. Either way, he shrugs off her response, not answering if he was that out of the loop or not. He sits down next to her. Initially, h gives her some distance, but then looks at said distance, shakes his head, and scoots himself three times over so that they might be closer together. That seems more right, right?

Right. ]

Knew you lost focus.

[ Buuuut -] Probably though, yeah.

I was sort of destined to it.

[This kind of indecision is what concerns her. One second the guy wants to fuck her silly and then he doesn't seem comfortable being near her. Not that Audrey makes it easy, right? It's easy for her to just be as affectionate as she wants with nearly everyone in the house at any given time.]

If we really get hungry then there's still the fridge.

[They're not actually lacking in food or even snacks, after all. Still, Audrey gets the TV working and heads for the app and ...]

[ So sue him he's-- he's a bit of a wishy washy silly shally or something like that. Still, now up close to her, the older man reaches an arm around her shoulder, pulling her in closer to him and giving this a more relaxed but more intimate position, his eyes focused on the screen. He snorts at the destined for it and even lets out a decidedly lame but definitely ego-stroking, ]

Yeah,

[ But then starts to fall to silence other than a nod... until he decides no, no, he can do one better. She's still got to click play, right? So he can comment on, ]

Good work on your exams, by the way. You really pulled through despite everything else you've been doing.

[ Apparently not as good as before, but... ]

[Well, that's at least better! Since he's gone and expected the effort she relaxes into him and groans loudly.]

Please don't mention exams. It was awful. I was awful.

[Which is an exaggerating because she did pass but to say she didn't do as well is a dramatic understatement.]

I think I'm even worse off than Yamato right now.

[It's taking her a minute to sign into her Netflix account and there's something incredibly sullen about how she stabs her e-mail in.]

[ . . . Well that didn't go as expected. Sullivan wasn't super familiar with either of her grades, but he shook his head regardless and brushes the top of her head, trying to be a comfort for her but not really sure how to do it. ]

It's just the first round, there's still next semester to be -- goo- uh. Fantastic

[ There, that's a better one! ]

... And I can help. With math at least - I- I get numbers.

There's no next semester for me, I graduate this year.

[She's got one last set of finals towards May and then she'll do the whole walk across the stage thing.] I don't think it looks good to have such a violent decline in your grades this late in the game. I've already went ahead and applied, though, so maybe it won't be so bad.

[Pray for her, seriously.]

Math isn't so bad, it's shit that Junko does - Advanced Chemistry and formulas and crap.

Less good there. [ A little shrug ] I had a mind for numbers and the law and studied hard for everything else- soo... So I do get the whole struggle thing. Particularly never that good with languages and humanities myself.

[ ... She graduates this year. ... Shit does that mean Yamato does too? He somehow never even connected that. But he shouldn't betray that and he will pray for her. But he wishes that he could help her...

He'll think of something ]

[It's not his responsibility to help her, though she couldn't do anything but appreciate the desire to help, really. Audrey would be doomed if not for everyone in this pack saving her ass left and right.]

Whatever I end up doing, it's not as if I'll need Chemistry for it. [... That's so awful to say, realizing that she's lost sight of her own dreams.]

I'm sorry, I'd say it's a surprise that you were good with law stuff, but it actually makes complete sense.

[ She won't?

... What was her dream? He realizes he'd talk about her here and there about her longer term plans, but he hasn't really absorbed it into himself. Sullivan frowns just a little, and he sighs. ]

I know. I'm an accountant, after all.

[ He shakes his head ] So I get not needing a subject or three.

[She wanted to be an archeologist, or at least a distinguished enough professor at a good school but it's been A Thing for a few weeks now. She snorts, though, and starts the episode, the volume won't get in the way of talking, though.]

You know my suffering, then! And it's like once I know I won't ever need it, all of the motivation runs out of me.

[Audrey sighs and lets her eyes slip shut and --] What do you think of kids?

[ Archeology doesn't need hardcore chemistry, does it? Still, Sullivan nods because ] For me it was more like if I just didn't get it, it's hard to try to get it. I've always been told I'm uh -- single minded.

[ There, tat's the thing. ... Should she be closing her eyes this was her show after all--

Oh. Uh. ]

I helped out with the three Kida kids, and that was... not terrible. [ . . . That's weird to say to someone their age isn't it. Hum- ] Same as any other guy though, I want progeny but I've always been less sure about the responsibility. Plus just no one was having kids in this pack since Koji for a long time.

Edited 2016-07-22 04:01 (UTC)

[That's such a bad answer that she barely manages to keep from barking with laughter.]

That's true, and that's a pretty big gap. [Says Audrey, who wasn't too old when Koji was first born anyway.]

What's the sense in having a kid that you get to call yours if you aren't there to raise it? [There's nothing accusing about the question itself, she's genuinely curious! Men and women seem to have incredibly different ways of viewing children and the decision to bring them into the world. And since that whole lovely series of events with Masaomi, it's been a revolving topic for her.]

I -- I never said I wasn't down for raising a kid either. Like I said, I helped!

[ . . . It's a bad answer which follows up a bad answer and he knows it. Not for the first time, Sullivan reaches a hand up which looked like he was running his hand through his bangs only to find no bangs there because he's long since gone bald in the front. He sighs at that, and then looks at the TV screen, wondering to himself how he got into this situation in the first place ]

But-- but, Masaomi would probably just tell you it's instinct. Honestly I would too but I know - know - that's a pretty bad answer so... It's more like the older you get, the more close to dying you get, the more it's like "oh shit I should make an impact." And for a lotta us, the best and maybe even easiest - for the act, I know. Not... the whole thing - is to go and have a kid. Plus if someone has your kid, it's - well you know you're at least pretty special to them.

But me - I mean. Like I said, if the pack was more down with kids I might've tried to have one like that [ . . . Ada wouldn't have consented either but he'll ignore that if she's willing to ] but because I wanted to be responsible, I didn't think I should and so... I didn't.

[ A beat ]

... I used to be more hip.

[ Maybe. ]

[Audrey's pointed silence implies no maybe you were not and that's okay. But whether something has more power being unsaid or said is generally up to the one it's being said about.]

Wow, that reminds me of why I used to think men are completely goddamn awful.

[It's a good thing they're not doing anything vaguely sexual right now because even though it's an honest response that she doesn't even blame him for it's just so fucking selfish.]

[ He really and truly can't help but respond, more or less immediately, ]

Sorry.

[ Before he knows she isn't blaming him and he didn't do anything to her. He recognizes it the moment after he says it, and h thinks of things his therapist has said, and so hastens to correct himself - ]

I mean - I mean I get that, it makes sense.

[ That's not a great salvage, and so he frowns and, ] My therapist tells me to get better about the instant sorrys for things I didn't do it's just me guilting people in reverse.

[ There. It's more honesty ]

[Audrey needs a minute to process all of those reactions because they all occur at once and seem to belong to a situation that she isn't currently in. It's weird.]

Kind of sounds like your therapist is right.

[Because it is a reach around way of guilting someone and that is a thing that could easily happen so subconsciously that one would logically need a therapist to help undo the behavior.]

Sullivan, do you feel like you belong here?

[In the pack.]

[ . . . Where did that come from? (and of course his therapist his right, his therapist is brilliant and extremely helpful and deeply frustrating sometimes and better be good for how much he pays to go as regularly as he does. But he looks down at her, surprised and thinking a million thoughts at once for how to respond to that, for what she could be implying, and he finally says, ]

I definitely used to. I've been worrying about it in the last few years, but Masa and Ada and Nariko and the other older people - they're all my best friends. [ Nariko might not think to call him that ever, Ada probably wouldn't, and Masaomi might but Sullivan can't help but think that he was just being nice. So in the end, it might be one-sided, but he was sincere. ] Do you?

[ She gave up her family to be here, depending on how you looked at it, so he sure as hell hopes so ]

[If he wants to know he's free to ask, but she's not in a giving mood and probably won't be for a little while. Some answers will need to be worked for. While he thinks and even while he answers Audrey looks up at him evenly, as well measured and still as an unperturbed lake. She'd make a good detective if the thought ever occurred to her.]

They are. [It's not going to matter from her, she knows that, but she can't not say something to help someone she cares about.

She grins when he turns the question around, and looks back at the screen. It takes her a long time to answer, which might be worrying, but when she does speak it's measured, like every word is taking a small chunk of her ability to process.]

I really hate to be bored, Sully. I think that's why even when things were awful I never really told anyone. It wasn't because I was scared - I mean, I was - but because I don't really know how to function without something be difficult. My parents. Yamato. Junko. This whole thing about children. I can't ever just let things be calm.

[When she sighs it seems to require every muscle in her body. How odd.] There are a lot of times where I don't feel as if I fit the right way. I'm sure I do when I'm willing to let everyone bang me, but the person Junko sees every day is probably not a person who fits in this environment. But, you know, I went in knowing that. I will always wonder if Masaomi knew that, too.

[She raises a finger, twirls it:] So it's both a 'yes' and a 'no'!

[ Sullivan allows her that moment, and tries to understand what is that she's telling him. It almost feels for a moment like he's not more than twice her age, like he's somehow the ignorant one here, who's seen less of the world. But that fades just as quickly. Even if she's suffered and even if her life was tempestuous, it's not like he's not suffered himself. And besides, life isn't about comparisons, it's about the sum of experiences. And he himself smiles too, deciding that ...

Well, she didn't necessarily need to be reassured, but she might like some confirmation. ]

Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise, Masa can see more of a person than they know of themselves. [ And he squeezes her gently ] So - so - I don't think it's a bad thing, you being here. I know I like it.

[It's true that she didn't really need a thing, it was more a thing she just happened to tell him, a long stretch of honesty that she otherwise might have avoided. But that does make the squeeze that much warmer, and a little more meaningful. Audrey pushes up a little to kiss his cheek before settling back down.]

It's an utter testament to how close you guys are that you call him 'Masa'.

[Now if only it didn't remind her of the dough.]

I'm also the one who convinced him the email he had since he was fifteen wasn't a good one to start a business with.

[ Seriously, it was baaaaad.

Really bad.

Really awfully bad.

He laughs just thinking about it. ]

[She snorts. This is a trap, and she wants to ask but doesn't.]

You know, none of you would be where you are without the other. I hope it's like that for the rest of us, too.

[Herself, Koji, Junko, Yamato, and Veronica. The younger ones.]

I'm kind of jealous.

[ Jealous? ]

Pretty sure it is. Koji's a little shit -- like I said -- but... he's shaped a lot by all the rest of you. Same for Yamato, he's nothing without you and Junko. Junko's helped a lot by you. From what I've seen of that Olivia girl, she'll be have an impression put on her by everyone else.

[ A beat ]

And going back to babies, pretty sure we'll have yet another little generation here soon.

They're both really excited about it, so I think it's definitely going to happen. [She huffs a little.] I still haven't decided if I'll have one.

[Hadn't she already said yes, though? Probably. Well. That's a problem for another night.]

What do you think of that girl, anyway? I don't think ever met anyone so tightly wound in my entire life.

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