masanari | [Futurelandia] An Eventful Valentines and beyond (happy new year)

[It's not like she deserves to have the topic softened any, so it's fine. In fact, she expected something a lot worse, though it might just be on his way.]

Yeah.

[She wants to touch and hug him and make it better, and the only thing that stops her is compassion: If she heard that he'd run off and knocked someone up she'd be pissy as fuck all. But rather than standing there awkwardly she sits on the edge of their bed, quiet for a good, long moment.] ... You can't tell anyone what I'm about to say - not that I think you would, it's just - I know there's something difficult right now, but everyone's got their pride. You, me, him, everyone.

[That's not going to make her next words any more or less right. She's still going to be an awful person for feeling the way she does.] This is just bad timing. You know I wanted it to be you, even when I was scared of being a shitty mom again, I couldn't not imagine having your kids.

[She'd always wanted as many as possible, but after Koji a lot of shit started to come up, and she'd refused to deal with any of it.] ... So this is just bad timing, okay? That's it.

[ He can't tell anyone...? What did she say which was even so bad there? Ah, wait, it's the fact that he is (also) her mate. She was (also) his mate? Mates aren't meant to be shared... mates are not meant to shared. His mind is repeating thought processes should he? No, he needs to narrow himself, he needs to collect himself. What should he even feel about this - is it crueler to rage or be despondent? He's still not sure he's wholly over or wholly understanding about what's happened to her biochemistry and how that flies in the face of his worldview.

Still... ]

That's still your mate's child. If that bond's true, there's no way you aren't euphoric.

[ Even if she does feel bad to him... no, he shouldn't speak for her emotions, but he says it a little distantly, clearly still trying to process it himself, given his head tilts to the side ]

Mm, you think so?

[She trails her eyes to her knees, trying to think of the right way to say it. Since Masaomi's been gone for so long she's had a lot of time to think about how this actually works in real time. So while she really had avoided him while he was healing because of their insane chemistry it had served an experimental purpose as well: What would happen to her if she spent more time with Yamato and gave him more attention? What would happen to her chemistry? A mateship was a biological phenomena, after all, one way or another it would change under various forms of stress.]

I'm happy, but I'm not euphoric.

[And there's something wrong with that because she was overjoyed for the first three kids. Stupid and giddy with the pure, undeniable reality that she was pregnant with her mates child. Hell, her desire to nest and practically shower people with unending affection had only increased.] I feel like I've skipped a step, and I wouldn't want to avoid this one either, but it just ... Feels like you should have come first. That's the only way I can describe it.

[It's an incredibly specific emotion: Still being happy to have Yamato's child, while also still feeling as if her first mate should have gotten it first (even though he already had. Three times over.).]

I do - I even have evidence as well, what with how you handled your first three.

[ A part of him wonders if she had her head wrapped around there being three, and not two. He's not really sure its his place to question that, but a part of him is now academically curious to talk about the changes to her biochemistry. How it worked now. But if he became academic, indulged in that, he would work past the whole emotional core of this issue. And that wouldn't be right at all, either for discussing this or for the fact both of them wanted to fuck a lot.

He took a step closer to her, his head rolling to the other side. ]

I'm sorry that's the case then.

[ For her... and really, honestly, for him. ]

[They've never hidden anything from each other before, this whole affair, completely fucking weird as it is, shouldn't change that. Besides, she'd actually feel a lot better if he asked question, made it feel a little more open and easy to approach. But his comment makes her shake her head.]

It's not really that bad, it's just different. [And it's not that she isn't happy! She's incredibly happy about it! Just in a very different way, and it's not any less valuable or meaningful just because it's deviating from the established norm.]

... But I did want you to hear it from me.

[And not Yamato or Tom or Sully or anyone, really, who might have assumed Masaomi knew and said it thoughtlessly.]

[ Inhale... exhale...

Huh. ]

So everyone else knows?

[ He takes another step closer, and then realizing that he had been doing that? He decides to nod and slide his way over towards Nariko. He gets into sitting down next to her on the bed, his arms crossed together at his waist. There's more to say - should he say it? She seems... well she doesn't seem comfortable, but at the same time, this isn't as as uncomfortable as it could be. There's no reason he needs to approach this as an Alpha.

... How often had he been thinking that lately? He thinks of his daughter, and exhales ]

No, just you and me and him.

[To be fair Masaomi doesn't seem like a bundle of fluffy pillows either, but yeah, it's the beast they could hope for. When he sits next to her she's oddly still for a moment but then leans into him a little bit, reestablishing contact, that kind of thing.]

... I have a doctors appointment and I'm not looking forward to it.

[Her irrational fear that her child will somehow be horribly deformed or otherwise given a shitty lot continues on, a full seventeen goddamn years later. At least some things never change.] Are you upset?

[At all of it, with her, with Yamato?]

Edited 2016-06-17 03:35 (UTC)

Ah, yeah, naturally he would know first. He must be excited.

[ He needs to stop talking like that. Like he's not even sure how he feels in this moment. Even if was... But that isn't good for either of them. When she leans against him, he smiles, his scent pulling up out of him and curling around the room. He didn't mean to for that, but it was her. How could he not be into her? No matter what. He would offer to go with her to it but...

It's not his.

Mmm. ]

I don't think I am, but do you mind me going a bit ... mm. Odd?

[She knows it's not a concerted effort on his part, but it's nice to know all the same, and she doesn't need anything more than a slight indication of positivity to unravel her own arms and put them around him. No matter what's going on in her oven or with her other mate she can't help wanting to be with Masaomi right now, and she doesn't stop herself from answering him either, swelling the room up with happy warmth.

It does stutter a bit as he asks that, mostly because she can't possibly know what he's getting at just yet.]

I'm sure I'll be able to handle it one way or another.

[Go for it, man.]

I know you can.

[ That said... okay. Don't react too much to her scent. Or don't - he can't help it, he swirls around a little more as his scent pumps in the room. It's a gentle mix, but he licks his lips and tries to go and ...

Let's do it. ]

How many kids have you had so far?

[ It's a bit underhanded to start with that, but... oh well ]

[What in the world.]

Two.

[Junko and Koji --] Three!

[Goddammit.] Three. [... After a full month, she has to forcefully remind herself.]

[ And in spite of himself, he grins a little bit wider now, a bit impish, a bit more successful. ]

Haaah. It's okay, it's okay. But I guess he really is your mate, huh?

[She pouts, not because there's anything wrong with him or even the question he asked, but because it sort of feels like she's being teased, somehow!]

Yes.

[Nariko can't parse out what the long term is, though she has a greater idea now than she did before, but it's an undeniable fact.]

[ He tilts his head again, almost bushing his head against her own. Brushing against her hair. But... hm ]

So did you learn anything about that in the last month? Knowing you, you had to figure out something, right?

[ So he might as well ask about her math brain scientific findings. Not that she was as like that as Junko, but even so. ]

Edited 2016-06-17 04:16 (UTC)

[He can do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't ask her to stop touching him. Thankfully it doesn't distract her from answering, if anything it seems to help her relax even more.]

Mm, there's a lot of small things that happen. I can't say 'your father' or anything like that, not unless it's something incredibly serious, which isn't too often. It's just 'Masaomi' a lot of the time.

[Which, given her emphasis on titles and familial structure ...] And I don't take anything from either of you, but I can't ever say anything disparaging about one or the other. It's like if someone tries to insult you, I can't handle it very well and I get upset. [With every day people that might mean they get punched in the goddamn face for so much as talking shit about Masaomi. With Yamato she just kind of steers away from it entirely.]

Now that I think about it, there aren't a lot of hiccups. We fall into it without thinking in private, but even when you're still in the house I'm violently aware of both of you all the time. It's actually kind of stressful.

[Which is totally great for a pregnant woman.]

[ This is a strange moment where his ideals, his beliefs and everything he holds so sacred about mateship and why he's been so disparaging about marriages and the limitations of that "bond" is now called into question against his self-interest. Because... well... ]

That doesn't sound too pleasant for him or for you all things considered. Someone shouldn't only be connected to their mate in private.

[ But at the same time, he was the Alpha here. He wanted to be in control of the house and the situation and, frankly, her at all times. It's something he's always loved and always valued. And that's...

He bites his lip, and then licks his lips when he notices he did that ] But are you saying that boy of mine's talked shit about his Alpha?

No, if anything he still worships you to a near concerning extent.

[Granted, if Yamato really had talked honest to goodness shit, Nariko may not have admitted it without being forced. But she'd have also dealt with Yamato herself. She can't exactly help her instinct to protect them both from nearly everything, and that's one aspect of the situation that does get complicated and will continue to in the future. Nariko kicks her legs out softly, though, tilting her head in towards his neck a bit so she can inhale softly.]

First, though, the matter of privacy is related to the fact that he doesn't want to upset your pack. [... But Yamato was certainly growing into a need for his own, which was a whole other thing.]

Second ... You're looking at it through your lens, and I haven't written a book that'll explain mine correctly.

[Nariko isn't that verbose nor talented, and she can't even use English as her second language as an excuse! Which is just low-key awful. She's just bad at writing, and even speaking her feelings half the time ... Should she try to explain it somehow, though? Nariko moves away to look up at him, asking the question without words.]

Mmm. If anything, when I was young I benefited from the fact that Yori-san was already a bit older then. I don't think she minded the signs and as Alphas go, as a kid, I didn't think of her as being so dominant.

[ Which... maybe she was, and maybe she wasn't. He's not really sure either way at this point, though he suspects the likes of Basara could explain it a little better. Or the aforementioned Linda. For his part though, the book.. man, he's glad he did that for many reasons, but it's still a little bit embarrassing. ] It wasn't even that well written.

[ That said, he makes a little hand motion as if encouraging her to try, if she wants. ]

[They've been together for the length of a human's life and he still gets embarrassed like that. Amazing. For his troubles, Masaomi has earned a kiss to one cheek.]

It was beautifully written, thank you very much, and I'll love it nearly as much as I love you. [She is not making it any less embarrassing, oops!] Besides, it's something that helped me understand you in the right, fundamental way. If you hadn't written it I think we'd still be a mess, and I'd still think you'd be just fine if I died in a corner somewhere.

[Anyway.]

You remember when I mentioned getting a separate house, right? And there was a whole image and series of things connected to that?

[ He is actually more than a little bit offended that she could ever think that, and almost says as much, but he's glad she kisses him, and he tries to focus on the question at hand.

Okay. ]

I do, I do.

[Then he should be even more relieved that he wrote that book so she could change her mind about it all!]

He's that house, and you're this one. One is all normality and idealized, romantic dreams made into reality, and the other is surprising and unknown and challenging, forcing you to grow even if it's terrifying. If, goodness forbid, it was a choice between me and this child, he'd probably save the child and you would save me. He needs to micromanage relentlessly, and you're fine as long as the overall devotion is yours.

[A waterfall and an ocean, but that sounds ridiculous so she doesn't say it.]

There's nothing wrong with any of those approaches, they're perfectly valid. It's trying to impose one on the other that makes it unbearable. He and I can have a 'married' kind of setup, but that's not right for you, it conflicts with your beliefs and it doesn't match how you and I have grown.

[Is she going in circles? She doesn't mean to.] You said that there's no such thing as one person knowing everything about another, and you're right. There's a quieter part of me that fits him, and there's a stronger part of me that fits with you. I don't feel unfulfilled because it's more private or a little quieter when that's the part of me that's mated to him.

[In fact ...... That's kind of what she'd constantly tried to get from Masaomi, so it actually works out really, really well.]

[ It's less the lifestyle - it's sort of the lifestyle... but really, the core thing he's having a hard time comprehending, though she does seem to contextualize it in this moment - is this. And he might as well seriously admit this. ]

The reason that the mateship's superior to the marriage [ And he holds up a hand, showing she doesn't need to correct him and he knows that's his perspective and he's being a little offensive ] is that it's a biological imperative. You know going in that you are right for each other and meant for each other. And in theory, that can allow for the greatest happiness that exists. No one person can know everything about another, but the natural connection allows for it to be smoothed over.

[ But then... if you can be mated twice, does that mean she wasn't fulfilled until then? Does that mean that it's a more complete picture of that same ideal he's always had? And his own ideals don't necessarily speak for say Ada's experience, who ultimately couldn't mesh with her mate. Or for the likes of Sully, who might never find that intense biological connection. ]

[She wasn't going to correct him either way, it's not exactly a big secret that Masaomi doesn't think highly of marriage as a concept. Yet another benefit of their trip was finally realizing exactly how thoroughly Masaomi relied on his viewpoints, the foundation that they made for his mentality and ultimately most all of his decisions. It's kind of funny to realize that the man you love so much is so incredibly different from yourself on a fundamental level.]

It's the chicken or the egg, though, and that's probably because I had parents who lived monogamously and were married, but were also mates. It's incredibly specific to me, and not the grander picture.[After all, Vincent was just as intense about pack life as Masaomi was, and her mother came from a staunchly monogamous, old family line.] I wouldn't get married to someone that I didn't think was my mate, and that's probably the most valuable thing to have learned from all of this.

[Then again this is also deeply influenced by the fact that Nariko would openly admit that a marriage ceremony was more a personal thing - if you went down to the bare bones of it, she leaned more towards pack life than monogamy, there'd just been some oddly timed growing pains.] If you're speaking about society as a whole, then marriage and mateship serve different functions for different, vocal groups, and what's 'better' is going to depend on your worldview.

[She tilts her palm, as if to somehow signify the tricky nature of it.] If you're talking about us, specifically, then it's just two different mateships with two completely different lifestyle's and emotional goals. It's a biological instinct either way. One instinct satisfies the need for an active decision, the other instinct submits entirely.

[Because, let's not forget: She had been tempted to leave Masaomi, mate or not. Which meant that the primal instincts he was relying on for his argument could fail in real life, and almost had. So it's probably better to say that it's more a complete picture with the three of them as a unit with separate moving parts.]

[ It's true, people are influenced by the environments they grow up in - he can't escape that he had a father he respected, and unknown mother, and a pack wit numerous older women raising him following the relatively early death of that father figure. That he had so many "brothers" and "sisters" which he wasn't sure of his precise relationship to but whom he valued because of the intrinsic connection of their rule under an Alpha.

It's something which colored hoe he saw the world, and further colored hoe he acted upon the world. He hums a little, rolling his neck and...

Society as a whole would benefit from it. But that's beside the point. ]

Maybe it's because history is my worst subject, but I'm still caught at the fact it's biologically possible. But then, it also seems arrogant to think we're unique in all the world, even if you are the best person on it.

[ And... ]

One of us doesn't have you submission? How dark.

[She tilts her head and gives him a raised brow.]

I don't mean it sexually. No matter what, he's still much younger than myself, there are ways I would be stern, and ways that I'll have to sort of guide him, and I don't have to do that with you.

[Because Masaomi was already grown, and the things Yamato is now experiencing as a young adult - she won't mother him, but she's his mate, so it's only right to support him. If it means a disagreement or two to spare him pain then her desire to avoid upsetting him won't be outweighed by her desire to protect.

And Nariko won't say it because it's only a half formed idea in her head now, but Yamato is almost less ... Intense than Masaomi in a way. Of course there's sexual submission but it's never felt like something they rely on, it's just a part of their sex life. But she and Masaomi had created a foundation on the idea that she was his mate, his bitch, and his partner, submission was a necessary part of their relationship, and she didn't begrudge it.]

As far as it being possible, though ... [She closes her eyes. It's not fun to talk about this, but:] There's a fair amount of proof that a mateship doesn't just magically smooth everything over. If that was the case then Ada would have never ended up here, Emily's parents wouldn't be the way they are, and mine wouldn't have been ready to throttle each other right after I came into the world. They're all, or were, bona fide mates but there are things about each of them they can't quite come to terms with.

[If it was just Ada or just Nariko ... Then that would be different. But that's at least three separate cases that actively work against Masaomi's perspective.] If it's possible for the most solid, instinctual, millennia old bond to end up fractured by one thing or another no matter what you do, then somehow ending up with two mates doesn't seem all that ridiculous.

[Because the mere thought that the bond itself could be dramatically harmed was really pretty awful on its own.]

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PS is that nursing thread done?

Nah I just can't handle where junko would inevitably take it rn so - tomorrow? If that's ok

No it's fine I was just feeling out if we should figure out a new third! We're all good

okay thank you for the understanding it is deeply appreciated

Hey hey you don't need to thank me for that it's cool

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I'm enjoying this meta conversation of theirs far too much

yeah I'm loving it too (PS Hi I'm back)

hello and welcome back friend