masanari | [Futurelandia] An Eventful Valentines and beyond (happy new year)

[ Um? this is completely upending his world view, his self-worth, and how he's basically defined his life for the whole time they've been apart? He manages to not say what again, but he doesn't have a good response outside of that, not even physically. He just breathes out, ]

Nariko...

So, there you go. Now you've got the whole picture.

[She finally laughs but it's an awful, choked sort of noise because her eyes are welling up.]

I'm sorry.

[Nariko has effectively damaged more than twenty years of his life because she couldn't tell him, because it was wrong until everything that felt wrong was suddenly perfectly acceptable. She had ignored every e-mail and tracked every step of his tour without saying a word, and that was awful of her.]

[ Now he's got the whole picture? But does he? He's not even sure he understand how he feels let alone how she feels. She's admitted right now she probably took the pill of her own well and then in the midst of that reached out to him with her own will. The whole thing made him go wide-eyed and wish not for the first time that he didn't have his beard right now. It makes hi scent leak out around the area, and he can't even think to repress it. It makes him trace the curves and contours of her body, his hands reaching out as if they wanted to be greedy before he pushes them down.

But then...

Why? They could have - he's not even sure what they could have had, but it didn't have to be this. It didn't- ]

You smell like your son.

[ Was that why it was okay? He was going to let it go, because he would let anything go for her. He was... ]

[Somehow she isn't surprised that it's suddenly come up, emotional exhaustion or a single minded resignations forces her to be completely honest:]

Because I was sucking him off in your kitchen.

[She drops herself onto his couch, leaning back and pushing her fingers through her hair.] That's kind of a thing, too. An entirely separate one, though.

[Her and Nathan had nothing to do with Yamato and her relationship with him. It was true that they were similar, but that spoke more to her type of man than anything else.]

So what, it's all just okay now? He's apparently doing his sister too and that blonde thought it was totally normal.

[ He groans now, more pained and frustrated than anything else (though his scent was still flowing from him) to sit at a chair opposite of her, running his own hands down his face, running over his beard. ]

For them it's completely normal. Honestly, there was never any keeping Yamato and Junko apart, it's like they were supposed to come out as twins or something. She's always adored him, and they're incredibly well suited to one another.

[She shakes her head, looking off to the side.] They have an understanding about it, I think. It's fine if they do it but they can't ever be together. Not completely. Besides, Junko has a mate.

[Annnnd so does Yamato but that's beside the point for the next few seconds.]

But why?

[ Why is this completely normal? Why was it so abnormal he had to become a leper for years and years when it came to them.? His voice comes out positively childish now, whining about something he had no control over. but all the same he-

He had suffered. He had tried to change something he genuinely felt, and he had even been rejected in a marriage proposal because of his feelings he had thought were inhumane and perverse, disgusting and had no place in the world. At least their world, and yet here she is, saying it's okay. ]

[He's asking for something that can't exist. What it ultimately comes down to is both timing and nurture, and the simple fact that Yamato undoubtedly loved Junko but he didn't seem in love with her, which was probably another important distinction.]

Because we weren't raised the way they were, because even if we were able to run off into the sunset together, what do you think that would have meant? Would we have shut out the rest of the world? Had a family?

[Her voice cracks a little at that because that's one fear that she still hasn't been able to shake, despite how rare the issue has become with the greater shift to pack life. What if they had tried, and something went wrong? What if something went wrong with Yamato's child? It didn't matter that half the Lunae pack, the line which produced her father, was inbred - it was still concerning.]

You deserved something better than being stuck with me, and I honest to god thought you would just get over it, Nathan. We were stuck together for so long, you never even had the chance to look at someone else.

[But that'd pretty much blown up in their faces.]

[ To put it on the record, Masaomi would claim that any of those fears of what inbreeding could do to humans were just propaganda which was spread by people who were pro-monogamy and marriage and all that because unless you're spreading diseases and genetic disorders it won't be a problem.

Or at least he believes that.

Meanwhile, with Nathan, he's left here stunned, not sure how to answer either of those charges - what he intended, or what he thought would happen. Because the fact of the matter is that while he tone suggests that she's meant to be shocked into silence at "had a family," he can't help but want to say "yes." And he frowns, and he shakes his head ]

There never was going to be anyone better for me, Nariko.

[ Which is something he believes ]

[It's a thing Masaomi can be right about because, again: There's like four different generations of her father's side and pretty much none of them married out and they're all still gorgeous and perfectly intelligent. So propaganda it is, really. Propaganda that worked, that still works to some extent, but isn't greater than what she has with Yamato. That and she's obsessively insisted on ultrasounds and so far everything is clear, so there you go.]

You can't know that when the incredibly fucked up situation that neither of us asked for or deserved is the driving force behind that thought.

[And therein lies another reason: She wasn't going to take advantage of his feelings, knowing they were the result of an incredibly codependent relationship they had both relied on in order to survive. She had meant to be the adult, forcing him to broaden his horizons -- still failed, though.]

And I went out and saw the world - hell, I've probably seen more of it, travel-wise, than you have, Nariko. And there is no one and nowhere I would rather be than with you.

[ . . . But all the same yes that's bore out of circumstances which made them like this and trauma he's pretty much never dealt with in a happy or healthy way. What's therapy? who knows! Nathan sure as fuck doesn't do it. But all the same, the man tries to look at her with earnest eyes, as if he were a step away from telling her to move in here. But he knows she will be mad at him for it.

Still... ]

But you don't want it enough to be okay with the way things are right now, do you?

[There's Masaomi and Yamato, there's the fact that she isn't ever leaving that house unless Masaomi does - even Yamato is going to one day realize that she isn't meant to leave permanently. But that's a problem which has taken a new shape with her brother.]

I already told you that I can't be without Masaomi, and that hasn't changed.

[So they're back at a familiar impasse: Is he going to insist that she somehow leave the family she's built up for twenty years, or will he learn to adjust the way she had to in October?]

[ She's the one asking to stay the night, she's the one who designed this house's interior decoration to her specifications - she's the reason he's literally got a fucking picket fence. This was her dream house, he always knew it was - some modest thing she could live with her husband in who cherished her in suburbia. What else is he supposed to understand from those signals? How else can he interpret it?

And yet.

She was happy, but she was also unhappy. She had been and seemed so unhappy there for a spell, even if he had supported Masaomi in the end. He groans, and he runs his hand down his face again, tugging at the beard on the end of it. He really, really needs to shave. ]

Nariko.. [ He whines that out, childishly. ] Don't put words in my mouth, come on.

[If that's what he's taken from all of this then he really is looking way, way too into it. Did she like this house? Of course? Did she have fun decorating it? Absolutely. Did she still feel vaguely exasperated that neither of her mates would ever be satisfied with that kind of life? Only in passing, and mostly just for laughs. That's really all there is to it.

And he does need to shave it's a shame to hide his face under all that. Besides, there are only two men with beards she's appreciated and one of them is Joshua. The other one is running a dojo.]

I don't think I put anything in there, you pretty much spouted it yourself.

[So now he has to deal with it, and she's too old to coddle him, so he'll have to eventually get to the root of this.]

[ Wow mom, come on.

.. Nariko is his sister. Nariko was also his mother. His first love. His most beloved. His idol, his standard. She's so, so many things, and he can't just...

he exhales hard. ]

I wanted to meet your family, and to have a real family... I didn't know what to expect going in, even after meeting that mate of yours, but the whole thing is really different. I don't even know how you adapted. But you did change a lot, so... it's impressive.

[All of that is incredibly nice to hear, but it doesn't tell her what they're going to do about each other, about the state he's in. She considers remaining quiet for a bit and then finally decides to go with:]

I don't know how I did either, except that I loved everyone involved more than I feared changing, I guess.

[None of it was easy, and she still doesn't know if she's handling everything with Yamato and Masaomi right, but, still.]

Yeah, I can tell. Because that's the biggest change, really - you've always loved really strongly when you allowed yourself to, but right now you're being loved so much that it's changed how you do it. It's a lot more natural now, and I think... it looks a little less painful for you now.

[ If he's honest, he's almost jealous.

He's looking at her now, but he's looking through her a little, trying to see himself. ]

[... Should she push him? Or let him keep mulling? It's hard to know what the right decision is.]

It's a lot less painful.

[But confusion isn't often painful, so there you go.] It probably wouldn't hurt at all if you would let me love you.

[Man, let's hope she doesn't fuck this up.]

[ . . . ]

You don't already, Nariko?

[ Or did love morph int a euphemism somewhere in there. He meant it sincerely. ]

Of course I do.

[More than she could find words to tell him, because he's her brother but he was far more than that, too.]

I love you enough to figure out how to put it all together, even though it will probably be awkward and difficult.

[Especially since Masaomi validly worries about leaving her alone with him. If this becomes a real thing they're definitely going to have to talk about those pills, but that's a little farther ahead.]

[ But Mom---

Not really though. The man sighs, hanging his head again and knowing he's letting out too much scent now. He can't evn hold it, particularly after being told that he -- apparently!! -- never even fucking had to in the first place. The man groans, and he shakes his head, looking down at the the little coffee table between them. He should have sat on the couch next to her. But no, that would be awkward. ]

I always wanted to be more mature and be helpful to you or more together or something. But I've really never, never been able to.

[ Including now, he means.

Ugh. ]

[He doesn't have to hold back anything but she certainly does. There's no sense in reacting until he can give her a concrete, defined answer, so no matter where he sits she's going to stay where she is and keep one leg folded over the other.]

It's not as if you needed to be. [She was, by nature, an incredibly dominating person without someone reigning her in consciously or subconsciously.] If you want to be, then that's up to you.

[What else can she say? He's old enough to be what he wants, after all.]

If only. I'm still not sure it's really in my nature, because I still use those fucking pills and they still make me feel special. Sure it's a better supplier, a better model of them, but it's not like that wasn't the kink Irina and I were using all the time and it felt good.

[ And yet. ]

I'm so glad to have a family I wanted a family I still do want a family.

[ That was so incoherent and he knows it. He puts his face in his hands, because right now he's both pitying himself and justifying himself. Really, he's making a mess of it - nowhere near the controlled sort of person he wanted to be in the first place and could present himself as being at the best of times. It's true that Nariko might have pushed him away, but it's not like he wouldn't have imploded even if she didn't. He was something now, even if he didn't feel like it sometimes.

But then, he was conditioned to think all he could do was fail. He was raised that way, after all. ]

[This is incredibly incoherent so, again, she doesn't really know what to say. Of course some of it has to do with the mention of those pills and the fact that she doesn't know how to deal with that at all. It's even more difficult to wrap her head around the fact that Irina was apparently perfectly fine with taking it for him.]

You know if there's some reason you can't have a family then it's completely beyond me.

[At this point she's just saying the first thing that comes to mind, otherwise she's going to sit here and be confused, and go back to thinking that he was wrong, and there was no way that he could or should have any sort of interest in her.]

[ He...

He needs to stop. He inhales deep, through his mouth, trying to prevent his lungs from failing on him as he scrambles to make sense of the world. The man is way, way too old for this, and they both know it. He runs his hand once more down his face and finally... ]

Especially because you're here and your family just walked out. I'm not sure I'm cut out to serve under Masaomi but I want to be a part of your life and the lives of the three kids and even him too so... so yeah, there's no reason. So -

[ . . . ] I don't want to hurt that.

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And now when I'm more awake and push out less garbage...

there was no garbage had also yaayyy at notifs being back

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