masanari | [Futurelandia] An Eventful Valentines and beyond (happy new year)

[For Audrey that's such a shame, the snow was always the most fun and she's not looking forward to head congestion and looking at all the joys of spring through watery eyes. Still, she's glad the house isn't too far off: Not because she's cold but just because there's something vulnerable and she wants familiar territory again.]

What were your parents like?

[She's asking kind of idly, not because there's a lack of care or curiosity, but more because it's probably best to talk anyway. Eventually she might work up to what really needs to be said.]

[ What were his parents like, huh? Sullivans rolls it over in his mind, and then answers, ]

Well, to begin with, my old man's gone - he passed away five or six years ago. [ He starts to reach her hand which wasn't holding her hand to brush his hair. Stopping himself, he grins a little though ] But my mom's really great - she's a sweet old lady who I think everyone would love. [ Mmm ] -- They were old even when I was young, by the way, they had me in their mid-forties so my mother's in her mid-eighties now, sort of at the back of a pack which's based an hour north of here. They were both sweet and attentive when I was growing up, but the whole age gap made it hard to connect when I was young, too... I didn't really connect with them until I was older.

[ He was cool when he was young, you know! ]

Trust me, it doesn't work out any better when they can connect with you at a young age.

[Audrey was a shining example of that, though it could also be said that her father has used that aspect of their relationship against her because he knew how well it would work.]

I'm sorry about your dad, though.

[She still misses her grandpa, so she's imagining it as a thing that never really goes away, just kind of fades into acceptability over time.]

Thank you.

[ Because he does miss him. Not really actively, not really anymore - but he does wish that he could see the old man's face sometimes. Wish that he went out while on better terms with him. It's just useless regrets though, the sort of things you can't hold onto or qualify. ... Hardly the sort of thing anyone wants to hear out of the oldest one in the room, or the adult there to help you. Or the idiot.

Or any of the other hats he wore.

The older man does smile at her, and breaks their hand contact so he and wrap his hand around her shoulder, pulling her up against him. It's a little chilly, after all, so maybe it's better to walk like this. ]

I'm sorry about how things happened with your parents.

[ Her effective break up. It would be impossible for him not to know at last the edge of it ]

Edited 2016-07-08 01:25 (UTC)

[She changes course easily, leaning into him a bit with every other step, now.]

Thanks. [A pause here, because she's considering something.] He didn't tell you guys about all of it, did he?

[The yelling, the fighting, open and closed palms, trying to shove her suitcase out the window so she could get out of the house and grab it while making a run for it. ... It was pretty bad.]

No, the only ones who know all of it is the people there.

[ Which is her, probably Masaomi and idk if we established if anyone else was there. Still, Sullivan answers here sincerely, because, well. She might want that as a secret. And he wasn't about to actively try to rip that from her. ]

Edited 2016-07-08 03:14 (UTC)

[Just her and Masaomi, then, which is a comfort. Audrey had told Junko parts of it, but she hadn't really needed to get into it too much after the fact.]

Mm. You know, my mother always blamed me, somehow. I'm not the one that got knocked up in the back of a pontiac while I was drunk, but somehow my being born is my own fault, according to my mom.

[She shrugs.] My dad - he didn't make it better by cheating on her, made it a lot worse by trying to pit me against her and getting awful when I eventually figured out it was awful of me to do.

[Audrey is not giving the situation the depth it deserves, maybe she can't.] They're a mess. If you ever want an example of two people who were not at all suited to each other and never should have even fucked, it's them.

[ She isn't, but it's not hard to fill in the gaps. Even if the fillings he envisioned in his mind weren't the truth, it's enough for him to feel sympathetic while at the same time drawing conclusions out of it, ones about those people and what lives they should have moved along with, why they were trapped by their station, and how that informed Audrey.

It's sad. But a part of what makes it sad is how normal it all is. ]

I've known people like that before. [ It's odd, for the record, that Sullivan is able to speak so clearly here, when he does have a tendency to fumble his words ]

People can really often be their own worst enemies when it comes to their happiness.

Pretty much.

[She's quiet again, but does squint ahead because that has to be the house, right?]

... I'm sorry about how I got over the whole .... y'know.

[The age thing, the 'Audrey inferring things which were never truly said' thing.]

I guess you're right, though.

[ It is, though in the dark it looks like some strange monolith more than it dos their castle with no lights on. ... Other than maybe Octavio's room because he forgot to turn them off.

Still, Sullivan allows her apology there, and now he's at a loss for what to say again. What he said, what he meant at the time... well. ]

Look, it's-- because some people are like that. [ ... Err] And I'm not saying you and I are. But it's because people are like that sometimes that I was worried about you getting too serious with me when you're too young.

[ And it's... ]

And it's more me than you.

[ Is the heart of the thing. His inferiority complex, his concern about being his father's age and if that puts a power dynamic in her head - if she would freeze the moment they got in a real fight. If he was even worthy of her to begin with. There's a lot of things which make the older man hesitate about it all, and sabotaged himself on basically their second date. ]

[Despite her own apology there's a part of Audrey that wasn't to rear back and fight. This time she's able to help herself, maybe because other things have stung far worse tonight, and it's just not worth being so pissy about. But she does really have to listen, take in what he's saying and think before she speaks.]

I guess it's just that I want to see you happy.

[If a misunderstanding is going to be born, maybe it was a good sign that it came from a place of love rather than actual malice or irritation.]

But it's alright, I don't think I'm ... There's no use in being serious about any of it, is there?

[ At that: ] No, of course there is.

[ She just wants to see him happy... He closes his eyes, and he tries hard to understand her perspective. It's not hard to get enough of it that he can infer, that he can guess. After all, it's not like he wasn't young and rebellious once. If anything, she's probably less rebellious in the end. And as they walk across the street and into their house's lawn, making their way to the front door... well. ]

I'm almost washed up here, and I know- I know - forty isn't that old in the grand scheme of things, but it still means I didn't get serious about anything but work for way too long. So if you have something you want to be serious about, you should be. Like Junko's studies, Yamato's tennis thing, or even Veronica having that kid with a little shit like Koji.

[ He... ] They aren't good ideas, or well, not all of them are. But they'd serious because they're regret not being serious later.

[ IS this a contradiction to his earlier hesitation about her? Maybe. ]

Edited 2016-07-08 04:53 (UTC)

[It definitely sounds like a contradiction. You know, in a total contrast? Their lawn is gorgeous and every single year Nariko is sure to make sure the flowers are taken care of, Audrey's always liked that about their place: The uniformity, the attention to detail.]

Why does everyone call Koji a little shit.

[ Though from Sullivan it sounds especially neutral, not the affectionate term that Junko, Yamato, or really anyone else but Sully and Ada might use.]

I guess that's what I can't wrap my head around. How is what I choose to be serious about determined by your lack of faith in yourself? You can't give someone the agency to make a decision and go 'well, no, that's an exception, you don't get to do that'. It kind of defeats the point of the whole deal.

[She isn't mad this time though, she's still way too tired for that.]

[ Hey man, there might be others who have their concerns about Koji. Probably... (Joshua does, at least)

But that said...

Honestly, she has a point. And so he's pausing both of those for a long, long time (or at least the length of time it takes to get the door, break his contact with her to open it, and hold the door open for her) and it's only once they're inside again he turns to her and tries hard to look at her seriously, even taking off his glasses to ask, ]

I cut you off last time. So-- how do you feel about me?

[ And he's dying right here to be this direct. But... She wanted to express something before, and he had his complexes swallow them up. And this isn't the time for it, but it's a time where he's showing he's allowing her agency, if she wants it. And even if she doesn't-- wait, he should say-- ]

But you don't have-- to say it now. Don't worry.

[Frankly, she doesn't want to say it at all, now. It's not the same moment, and she's kind of lost her faith in all of this, though it had been broken ever since she realized that she and Yamato weren't really meant for each other, so - maybe it was just a shitty tape job all along. But the greater and far smarter part of herself knows that this is probably one of the rare instances where Sullivan might actually listen to her.]

The only person I've felt completely safe with was Junko. For being as tiny as she is you'd think I'd be looking after her, but the truth is that she always knows what to do five steps before I've even made it to her level. It's ridiculous.

[When she steps inside Audrey taps her boots on the floor to clear out water, better not to drag it through the house.]

You know, I can't ever really say it to anyone else but I hate having to be a lot of things at once. If anyone asked me what my version of happiness was, it'd be to wake up every day and be whoever that person is and never have to change. If I want to be angry I could be angry, if I don't want to have sex at all I could do that, too. If that's all I want to do, then that's alright, as well.

[This is already a roundabout way to address his question, it's sloppy because she can't help wanting the feeling she'd had during their date, when her feelings weren't weighed down by her own exhaustion and irritation.]

I guess the easiest way of putting it is that I feel like I'm free with you. And, really, that's not even something Masaomi can pull off.

[So it's worthwhile, more than words could ever hope to explain, and it's what defines romantic love for Audrey: The freedom to be what you are and change together, grow together without limitations.]

[ Sullivan wasn't ignorant - he was, after all, more than twice her age. Not only was he not being fair to her with the timing (he sort of ruined the moment this would be right in, and now it's some time when she's otherwise upset) but there's other complications here. Even if she was headstrong and spirited, there's an obvious power dynamic difference just due to their ages. She was in a compromised position because of her reaction to Nathan and to the house back there. They were alone at night, and even that could be said to be a factor.

It's unfair all around.

So the least he can do is try to listen to her, and try to understand her, and try to hold back his own fears about how unfair he was in the first place. That sort of circular thought wouldn't help either of them, even if his brain wasn't quite wired for these sort of interpersonal things... or well, he'd say that. Ironically, Masaomi would actually disagree, not that Sullivan would know it.

So she's asking to not be held to expectations, huh? For whatever else Masaomi did have going for him, he did have expectations that people held themselves to, even if he never listed them off himself. He just have that effect on them. And Sullivan...

Well, he kicks off his feet too, flipping on the foyer lights and then sort of looming there near her. Like he's free with him . . . that's. So flattering, if he's honest. ]

I don't think I'm that good at thinking that far ahead - at least - At least not when it's not something you can work out mathematically. But people aren't tac forms - hell, sometimes tax forms aren't even tax forms because of that. So that's a really amazing skill on her part, and I've admired stuff like that in others too.

[ A beat ] I admired a lot of people, because I just always do that. And I admired you because you did seem so genuine - do seem. So I want to keep seeing you be like that.

I don't think most people are that good at it.

[They're sort of ... Not meant to be, after all. Life's a lot more boring if you can figure out how to make it all work (mostly) in your favor.]

Still, wrapping yourself up in some intricate line of thought isn't going to have an effect on how I deal with my own life, Sully. I'm going to be what I am until I'm something else, and then I'll be that. You should only hang onto something until it's gone.

[This is, perhaps, the fundamental difference between them and while it's something that could be attributed to age Audrey can't help thinking its just their differing personalities. Sullivan is a lot more linear and hard set, relying on things that were uniform. Audrey took a lot more comfort in fluidity. But the ocean needs the moon to control it's ups and downs - she can't have her need for change without an underlying pulse of security.]

I guess that's why I'm not worried about it. Maybe I won't spend the rest of my life with you, but isn't there some worth in however long it goes on?

[ They were a mismatched couple, in far more than one way. Any idiot could look at them and see there's no future there. Hell, there's more potential for a future with her with Tom, or even outside of this pack. But none of that needs to be said, because he can't even assure himself that none of that wasn't his crippling sense of inferiority.

The older man adjusts his glasses, getting them back up on his face.

If he's honest, that thought is scary to him, and that's something he should explain to her someday. But right now, well, he doesn't have that good of an argument to the contrary. And so - ]

Ah- Ah. Well then what if the next - next date I invite you on doesn't have any tagalongs?

[ He can do that much, right? ]

[But does Tom even want an actual future with someone? That's an important question, too! She hasn't thought to ask him lately, they're usually busy doing other things. Still, it's not an explanation she needs. Isn't a lot of this scary? People are scary.

But that's not a goddamn reason to not do stuff. So, yeah, definitely mismatched and whether that's for the better or the worst is what she wants to know, would regret not finding out or seeing with her own eyes. When he mentions a next date it puts a smile on her face, and it's small at first, but it begins to grow almost immediately.]

You know, that might make it even more fun! Maybe. I guess we'll have to try it out and see first.

[So no backing out of it, Sully!]

[ ... This will not end well. Or maybe it will. He's not sure.

Okay, so like, for now... He brushes the side of Audrey's head, pushing back her bangs and then finally making t take off his shoes. As he does, he breaks eye contact, blushing just a bit ]

Yeah it might be pretty... a good idea.

[ A beat ]

So who cooks better of us, we could make our own dinner. Or-- or order in.

[Come on, how is she supposed to help herself! He blushes so easily and she can't help smirking, at least she doesn't tease him and make it worse!]

Delivery, I can cook but I don't want to.

[There's a part of her that's upset they won't be able to have dinner with everyone else but not to such an extent that she'll actually go back.] My vote is for Chinese!

I was going to vote Thai.

[ So... not that different, honesty. Still, either way, let's turn on some lights and head into the kitchen! They can really have their own party! ... Or something.

He misses the whole dinner with everyone thing too. Speaking of, he picks out his phone and makes to send a message to Masaomi and Tom to say they left ]

[It's a little hard to miss someone texting and she seizes up a little, worried.]

Don't tell them the whole story - please.

[Of course it's entirely possible that he only meant to let them know that they were at the house and hadn't been kidnapped or some shit, but just in case. Audrey goes to find where they keep all the take-out menus, grabbing the Thai one and opening it.]

Do you know what the deal is with that guy?

[Nathan, of course.]

[ Hey, they didn't have to have Thai food, they could do Chinese or Japanese... or Vietnamese... Man there's a lot of Asian places around here come to think of it. He'd gotten used to that growing up. Oh well, Sullivan sort of follows behind her before holding out his phone for her to show her the text he sent Masaomi (whose contact in his phone is "Big Masa" don't ask): ]

Audrey and I went home for the night don't wait up for us at dinner.

[ But as for Nathan... He knows a lot of it isn't his place to stay, but... ]

Abusive mom and growing up with Nariko as a sister. [ ... ] Not-- not that Nariko is bad, just that I think the combo didn't help either of them.

Wow, that's gonna make it sound like we ran off to fuck!

[Hardly a negative. Her smile fades a bit though at his very, uh, unfortunate wording.]

I guess that about explains it. [Though she's far more tempted to just say Nathan's a fucking asshole, too.]

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