masanari | [Futurelandia] An Eventful Valentines and beyond (happy new year)

[ Oh fuck him.

Fuck him fuck him fuck him FUCK HIM fuck him fuck him- ]

I'm totally normal now. You don't need to worry. Like I said, you don't.

[ But as he says it, its clearly rehearsed. The same thing he said in all those dozens, hundreds of emails he figured she must've just deleted and not believed him in. After all, it took their mother dying for her to talk to him again. She hated him for that. Or at least resented him, feared him. Told him he couldn't be like that even if her kids were fucking.

And this smell...

Everyone's looking, even Masaomi's attention is drawn to them ]

[Well, that's not good.]

Right, like anyone in this family is normal.

[Herself included. Nariko groans and sits up, pressing a hand into her stomach - this kid is really being difficult, but that's a saving grace right now. If Masaomi is too suspicious it'll be problem.]

I wonder how long everyone is going to stay.

[She looks over at Masaomi - is he okay? Is he worried? Or just curious?]

Well I don't... feel that way.

[ He lied. He was trying to sound reassuring though - she jus came back into his life, and he didn't want to lose her. Not again. Not again, not again...

How long everyone will be here? Who cares? But it's late, so they must be going back soon, right? Also didn't she plan it?

and Masaomi does look a little concerned, at least. He's still not sure if Nathan is dangerous or not, but Nariko has previously implied she would nest with him, run off with him, and he can't allow that. But things are different and more secure now, so maybe that was being unfair. ]

Good. Then you won't mind answering a question later on.

[That's stupid, it's ridiculous of her. She didn't want to commit to talking about it until she was sure that she could handle that. But his constant refusals feel like dares to her, a constant need to push at him until he either breaks or tells her it's never going to happen, that she must have a wild imagine or something.

But her mate takes priority.

As if sensing his doubt she gives him a questioning sort of look, a nonverbal way of asking him if he doesn't trust this situation. Things are very different now, and it's really better if he trusts that, but ..]

[ Masaomi...

Trusts her. He waves a hand asking her to be well on her way, but he'll send her a text to say that she's due back at the house in the morning. He's still not sure how he feels about her staying the night. Because, well, he's pretty sure she wouldn't be content with him staying the night at--

... Well he has no one he's near as potentially attached to as she is to Nathan. But he smiles all the same, and actually speaks up, telling the pack that the party's been nice, but maybe they should clear out and clear up now. And also tells them that Nariko will help Nathan clean up.

Nathan is a non-entity in all this, sort of shocked into submission by what Nariko says and by his own repression. No doubt some people are suspicious (Ada? Tom? But they are that, and they need to collect both Yamato and Olivia and Koji and Veronica from the house and hopefully not have Yamato killed by Joshua. ]

[... She really is grateful to him in that moment because there's no hope that she'll ever leave Masaomi's side, or that she would throw away the trust they worked so hard to form. Other doubts and concerns are completely irrelevant to her. The world, for that bundle of seconds, is down to the little interaction between herself and her Alpha.]

Let's clean up.

[Thankfully they're all relatively neat folks so there might be a plastic cup or paper plate here or there, but otherwise it'll take as long to clean as it will for everyone to be on their way.]

[ It's true, it does. Honestly, the biggest hassle in terms of cleaning up and leaving is getting Veronica out of the bedroom on the second floor and Olivia to stand - in the end, Joshua has to literally carry her while looking very almost-angry and suspicious.

That might go bad places.

But on the whole, Nathan is quiet until people are at the door, and then puts on his best charming to personally say goodbye to everyone in turn, hugging both Junko and Koji as well as Ada and Tom, who had all been the best to him. He firmly shakes Masaomi's hand, and if anyone questions Nariko lingering (and Koji does) Masaomi brushes them past.

And quickly enough...

Well, Masaomi does make good n that text, but they're alone ]

[It's no coincidence that she checks her phone, she's expecting something from him and to see it makes her happy, even if to anyone else it'd be silly to be ordered around by her mate that way. To her, it's just a sign of his concern and love, so she can't help cherishing it.

But then they're alone, and since Nathan's apparently become a priest she doesn't figure he'll be doing anything overtly dramatic.

It gives her time to wander around his living room. ... She really did pick some great furniture for this place.]

Nathan. [Her arms are folded and she's incredibly fucking nervous.] ... I have to ask you something about that night.

[ That night...

THAT NIGHT...

He didn't know what question he was expecting, but it wasn't that. It sure, really, truly, was not that. He swallows, to find his mouth dry, and now he's settled near her, but standing, he nods. ]

Okay.

[She doesn't say anything for an unnervingly long time. Nariko remains standing, just blinking at a part of his hardwood flooring.]

I don't ... Remember whether I took it willingly or not. I think ... That I did? Just because of what was going on.

[Because if Nathan was distraught, if he was threatening to hurt himself she'd do anything to stop it. She would do anything to take care of him because that was her literal purpose for not offing herself for years.]

And I don't exactly recall a lot of the details either just - numb, unable to move - [Suffocating.] but I do remember ... Touching you. Or reaching out to you or something.

[In other words, according to her fragmented memory there was a point in the process where Nariko regained some control of herself and she was receptive to whatever he was doing. And in a way she already knows the answer because the drug he'd given her left her unable to move. She could make sounds, of course, but talking or lifting her own arms was out of the question. So the after image that's haunted her since December, of trying to pull him into her on a bed doesn't make sense, if she was completely unwilling.

And the thing is, of course, that she was. That she didn't want to be forced but she did want him

So did I? Was there any point where I didn't just lie there?

[ Honestly, the drug shouldn't have paralyzed her. Or at least, he was told it wouldn't - he was surprised it did disable her and did fragment her memory, and it only made it hurt more. He...

He...

He can't even begin to process his emotions right now. And so he just answers sincerely, from his own memory. Because the fact of the matter is that... ]

There was and you did.

[ Or was he lying? ]

[Nariko can utterly confirm that whoever told him that straight up lied to him. But she could also admit that it was either a short acting drug or her general tolerance to them shorted it out. She wasn't numb for as long as a normal person might have been. Repression, guilt, and age have fucked up her recollection but that vague sensation of having already reached for him, always feeling the sense of completion that came with knowing they felt the same way - it had haunted her since December.]

... And, what, you thought that must have been the first time that I wanted to?

[The way she says it makes it sound illogical, as if he should have always known her side of things.]

What?

[ Did it matter if he did? If he harbored delusions and fantasies? She had made it clear - very clear - that she didn't want anything to do with him, that she was disgusted with his actions and what he had become. So what if they might have danced around fooling around before then and so what if he might've assumed this and that.

It didn't change facts. ]

[Was she disgusted with him or with herself? With her own lack of control when she'd managed to get them to the very end, almost completely home free?]

It wasn't right of me to be so critical when I wanted to - when I wanted you, too.

[ Um? this is completely upending his world view, his self-worth, and how he's basically defined his life for the whole time they've been apart? He manages to not say what again, but he doesn't have a good response outside of that, not even physically. He just breathes out, ]

Nariko...

So, there you go. Now you've got the whole picture.

[She finally laughs but it's an awful, choked sort of noise because her eyes are welling up.]

I'm sorry.

[Nariko has effectively damaged more than twenty years of his life because she couldn't tell him, because it was wrong until everything that felt wrong was suddenly perfectly acceptable. She had ignored every e-mail and tracked every step of his tour without saying a word, and that was awful of her.]

[ Now he's got the whole picture? But does he? He's not even sure he understand how he feels let alone how she feels. She's admitted right now she probably took the pill of her own well and then in the midst of that reached out to him with her own will. The whole thing made him go wide-eyed and wish not for the first time that he didn't have his beard right now. It makes hi scent leak out around the area, and he can't even think to repress it. It makes him trace the curves and contours of her body, his hands reaching out as if they wanted to be greedy before he pushes them down.

But then...

Why? They could have - he's not even sure what they could have had, but it didn't have to be this. It didn't- ]

You smell like your son.

[ Was that why it was okay? He was going to let it go, because he would let anything go for her. He was... ]

[Somehow she isn't surprised that it's suddenly come up, emotional exhaustion or a single minded resignations forces her to be completely honest:]

Because I was sucking him off in your kitchen.

[She drops herself onto his couch, leaning back and pushing her fingers through her hair.] That's kind of a thing, too. An entirely separate one, though.

[Her and Nathan had nothing to do with Yamato and her relationship with him. It was true that they were similar, but that spoke more to her type of man than anything else.]

So what, it's all just okay now? He's apparently doing his sister too and that blonde thought it was totally normal.

[ He groans now, more pained and frustrated than anything else (though his scent was still flowing from him) to sit at a chair opposite of her, running his own hands down his face, running over his beard. ]

For them it's completely normal. Honestly, there was never any keeping Yamato and Junko apart, it's like they were supposed to come out as twins or something. She's always adored him, and they're incredibly well suited to one another.

[She shakes her head, looking off to the side.] They have an understanding about it, I think. It's fine if they do it but they can't ever be together. Not completely. Besides, Junko has a mate.

[Annnnd so does Yamato but that's beside the point for the next few seconds.]

But why?

[ Why is this completely normal? Why was it so abnormal he had to become a leper for years and years when it came to them.? His voice comes out positively childish now, whining about something he had no control over. but all the same he-

He had suffered. He had tried to change something he genuinely felt, and he had even been rejected in a marriage proposal because of his feelings he had thought were inhumane and perverse, disgusting and had no place in the world. At least their world, and yet here she is, saying it's okay. ]

[He's asking for something that can't exist. What it ultimately comes down to is both timing and nurture, and the simple fact that Yamato undoubtedly loved Junko but he didn't seem in love with her, which was probably another important distinction.]

Because we weren't raised the way they were, because even if we were able to run off into the sunset together, what do you think that would have meant? Would we have shut out the rest of the world? Had a family?

[Her voice cracks a little at that because that's one fear that she still hasn't been able to shake, despite how rare the issue has become with the greater shift to pack life. What if they had tried, and something went wrong? What if something went wrong with Yamato's child? It didn't matter that half the Lunae pack, the line which produced her father, was inbred - it was still concerning.]

You deserved something better than being stuck with me, and I honest to god thought you would just get over it, Nathan. We were stuck together for so long, you never even had the chance to look at someone else.

[But that'd pretty much blown up in their faces.]

[ To put it on the record, Masaomi would claim that any of those fears of what inbreeding could do to humans were just propaganda which was spread by people who were pro-monogamy and marriage and all that because unless you're spreading diseases and genetic disorders it won't be a problem.

Or at least he believes that.

Meanwhile, with Nathan, he's left here stunned, not sure how to answer either of those charges - what he intended, or what he thought would happen. Because the fact of the matter is that while he tone suggests that she's meant to be shocked into silence at "had a family," he can't help but want to say "yes." And he frowns, and he shakes his head ]

There never was going to be anyone better for me, Nariko.

[ Which is something he believes ]

[It's a thing Masaomi can be right about because, again: There's like four different generations of her father's side and pretty much none of them married out and they're all still gorgeous and perfectly intelligent. So propaganda it is, really. Propaganda that worked, that still works to some extent, but isn't greater than what she has with Yamato. That and she's obsessively insisted on ultrasounds and so far everything is clear, so there you go.]

You can't know that when the incredibly fucked up situation that neither of us asked for or deserved is the driving force behind that thought.

[And therein lies another reason: She wasn't going to take advantage of his feelings, knowing they were the result of an incredibly codependent relationship they had both relied on in order to survive. She had meant to be the adult, forcing him to broaden his horizons -- still failed, though.]

And I went out and saw the world - hell, I've probably seen more of it, travel-wise, than you have, Nariko. And there is no one and nowhere I would rather be than with you.

[ . . . But all the same yes that's bore out of circumstances which made them like this and trauma he's pretty much never dealt with in a happy or healthy way. What's therapy? who knows! Nathan sure as fuck doesn't do it. But all the same, the man tries to look at her with earnest eyes, as if he were a step away from telling her to move in here. But he knows she will be mad at him for it.

Still... ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

ps you can call me out on if it should be different.

Nope, that's actually completely correct

Okay cool

no subject

no subject

no subject

And now when I'm more awake and push out less garbage...

there was no garbage had also yaayyy at notifs being back

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject