masanari | [Futurelandia] The Thanksgiving and Early December Post

[The wake was tasteful. It was also full of just as many family members as concerning, rigid individuals who might fit better in the white house than the funeral of an insane blond woman. All of her extended relatives turned their nose at her but were more than happy to address Nathan which, unfortunately, left most of the responsibilities to him one way or the other. It was a good thing she hadn't felt any desire to be helpful about the whole process.

For the most part it's a lot of smiling awkwardly, shaking hands, and standing in place while people say their piece. Your mother was a wonderful person and This is a terrible loss. A whole bunch of shit from other people that might as well be shit.

Nariko makes it through the first hour before she has to step out of the room they're holding the wake in. For a moment it's enough to duck her head and fiddle with her overly simple black dress, take some deep breathes and remember that she has no reason to feel small in that room. She's a grown adult with a family, with a mate that loves her, and yet being in there - even with Masaomi - is almost like being a helpless teenager. Every single time she looks at them all she can see is ignorance or guilty awareness.

It's bullshit.

When she looks up at catches Nathan's eyes (and right then it doesn't matter to her if he's already looking or it's a coincidence) she tilts her head, quietly asks him to come join her.

She's barely spoken with her younger sibling this entire time and now - well, now it's time to change that.]

[ This wake was an awful sham and he wishes he was drunk. Or he wishes he wasn't here... or he wishes he was Nariko's husband-- mate... thing. ... Actually, no, he definitely wants that last one. That last one would make sure that he could have a family with Nariko and he wouldn't need to be fielding the looks and words of every single insincere (or worse, sincere) person in this room. The tall man was at his wits end, not even sure how to survive this.

But he was trying.

Oh, was he trying. He'd told that idiot she came here with two days ago that they would cover for Nariko, and he was attempting to do just that, taxing himself to a mental breaking point by way of intercepting anyone who would give her a scathing look with some joke or some old story about his mom. The worst thing is that even though he hated her (he was pretty sure he did... he should, if he didn't) most of the stories he told were told with genuine affection and nostalgia in his voice. And it's that, more than anything, which made him want to vomit.

A lot of his own feelings had that affect on him, not the least of which is how his heart skips a beat when his sister summons him to follow her. He nods, taking the cue, and ... well, does that. Follows her. ]

[It's not like they can leave, the place only has so many rooms and nooks and crannies, but there's a very childish part of her that wants to take him to the smallest one and bundle up there. Maybe it's that she's stopped being afraid enough to remember that she's supposed to be the responsible one, she's older than him and yet she's so goddamn pathetic that it's a wonder he could ever ... Well.]

Please tell me that being in there is only about the worst fate, short of actual Hell. And that would only be worse because she'd be down there, too.

[When he makes it past the threshold she just. Fuck it, man, she closes the door. It gives them a little isolated space, and if anyone wants to bother them they'll have to come around and down the length of the hall they're standing in. Masaomi is going to have to be his charming self because Nathan's probably about as done as she is.]

... Thank you for this. [She toys with her hair, leans back into the wall to glance out the window.] You put this all together a whole hell of a lot better than I could have.

[ Midway through walking after her, fighting back the excitement which comes up in the pit of his stomach and the top of his crotch if he's honest with himself (and he definitely is not, so that is not a real thing) Nathan comes to the dull and incredibly belated realization this is the first time they have really had a chance to talk since she showed up here, at least not without that idiot being in the midst of them or being with someone else. And if that was the case, it was the first time they've spoken face to face in at least a decade.

He didn't even know what to feel about it, probably anticipation, maybe a little bit of fear. But he thought back to that day which caused their schism, how he had gotten her, back then, to take that one pill. ... Well, there was a reason he hadn't taken any of his stash of the things here. He left all of them back on the tour, in the care of his dear manager. Fuck he wishes she was around now. She could have planned this better. And by better, he meant neither of them being here.

The crawlspace they end up in, around this corner, it's what makes him feel weirdly nostalgic. ]

Right on all counts. I mean, it'd have to be worse than this if it's Hell, right. [ Even if his shrug says "I don't know how" ] But... it's fine. I was the one still talking to her.

[ A little. Badly. He shouldn't have been. ]

[.... He was still talking to her. Even though their mother really had favored Nathan, and only threatened him in order to agitate Nariko, it was some kind of betrayal to hear. No one had seen how utterly crazy that woman could be when she got into a shit mood and after all of that he could still try to talk to her about - about what? The fucking weather?! Unfortunately she's too old to ignore the hint of jealousy in her, that he could play the abiding son for their mother but he couldn't just be normal with her. Nariko was the one who got him up every day for school, for classes, she made sure they ate and actually had fun. ... Being a mother - an actual one, not the excuse Nariko had - really is thankless.]

It's not fine, it's hard on you, too. [For as upset as she may be she can't bring herself to actively make him feel bad. That'd make her as bad as her mother.]

So, [She toys with her hair and finally works up the bravery to look at him again. It's always strange that she doesn't see a little kid anymore, a music dork that barely came up to her hips when he was in middle school. Now he towers over her.] what are you going to do after this?

[Was he just going back to the other side of the world like nothing happened? She might not blame him for it but - but the way she asks that question is gently implicative. As if he might have more options, now.]

[ He was. He hasn't been talking to her all this time, but it had been twenty years. For all the insults and abuse, all the ways that his self-esteem was crushed and he never met his mother's insane expectations... he was still the favored son. The favored son who was a resounding failure, but he still was the favored one. And he hated it. He wanted nothing to do with her. But he was facebook friends with more people from their past, more extended family members than Nariko. And...

And this was the fact he wouldn't tell her, because it just... has no place here. But while their mother's death was all this, it wasn't exactly unexpected either. It was six years ago when Nathan had first discovered that their mother's health was failing, and it was because of that they tried (and for the most part failed) to reconnect. They really didn't talk about much more than the weather or him trying to get her to go to the hospital or a home. But that had been part of his lot in life all this time.

And so he allows himself to look pained, conflicted for a moment there when she says it's not fine. Because ... it's not. But he shakes his head and fidgets, trying to ignore the wave of self-disgust he feels in that moment for a variety of reasons. Instead having his eyes zero in on that fine, and her body language. What is he... doing. ] They're all expecting me to come conduct the last performance of the tour on New Years Eve. So hopefully Hell doesn't come with a two week extension.

[ . . . But. That gently push. He shifts from one leg to the other and- ] After that, though-

[After that.]

Nathan [Why does saying his name already make her heart stutter.] you have a family. I know things have been weird [He has been weird.] but you - I mean, would it really be so bad to spend time with them? [She's going to die. This is embarrassing and scary, she might inviting everything terrible into her life, which has already been shaky in the last few month and is only just now being repaired.] You've always been dedicated to your music and I'm proud of you for that, you've done a wonderful job with all of them [Yes, she'd been keeping up with him every so often, when she couldn't help missing her brother. Shut up about it.] but you could take a break.

['You could come home.']

O-Obviously I have to talk to Masaomi, but I -- If you're willing to - [Not be a creep, even though she's the one acting as if she's talking to an old crush right about now.]

It just wouldn't be so bad, okay?

[What the fuck is she doing with her life. What's happening.]

[ Nathan's whole mind shuts down the minute she begins talking. So often, for years and years now, Nathan has tried to keep himself under control, to convince himself that he no longer feels "like that"

( just one pill. Just that one pill -- )

but the moment that she says his name, that she begins to talk like that, every little illusion that he'd built up for himself over the years shatters in and instant, and his long, long, long repressed self breaks out. thus, for a small instant, as he begins to talk, as he looks at her with wide, almost uncomprehending eyes, he lets slip some of his scent. He doesn't try to do it, but he still does, and the minute that he smells himself, he tries to press it down, make it vanish. To his credit, he does manage it, but it was still there.

Because entirely aside from how she was asking (hadn't she been the one who pushed him away? Or they both agreed it was just for the best, and they had had Roman, and then...) he really did genuinely want to = ]

No, it wouldn't. [ Okay, just become excited without becoming excited. He could do this, because his heart is fluttering and his stomach is full of butterflies and he takes a step forward to take her hand in both of his and shut up, shut up that's normal ]

Are you inviting me to stay there? I could do that! For sure, I could get a house or an apartment over there, we're family, and family should be together! I promise I'm not like that anymore!

[ Just ignore that spike of scent from a moment ago ( just one pill... ) ]

[Yes, it was Nariko who had put that wide distance between them, which is why turning her back on it after so long feels hypocritical, almost cruel of her. But it was never that she loved him any less or even that she was afraid of him. It was more that she knew it wasn't something he could help at the time. Deep down in her, for as much as she tries to hold him accountable for his actions, she also can't seem to blame him the right way, either. Clearly it was her fault, it was her scent or something she did to fuck him up this way, to the extent that he would be attracted to her. They only shared the same mother but they were still siblings, and --

Even Masaomi had said that biology didn't give a shit about that. Only people did. And Yamato and Junko messed around all the time, they were responsible. They understood.

Her face gets hotter and by now it's splotching a little in that way that means she's kind of blushing a little, it only strengthens when she takes in that hint of his scent and the feel of his hands. Something in her aches but whether it's her heart or her pussy is difficult to tell. This is all such a mess.]

Like I said, I can't just make a decision without speaking with him. [She squeezes his hand. When did he get so big. When did he stop being small enough that she could pick him up herself? Now he could probably pick her up.]

... But it would be nice if you were closer.

[Not like that. He wasn't. Going to feel anything for her anymore. Right. That was only right.] Are you going to bring your girlfriend along if you do, though?

[ Irina, bless her soul, was the most distant thing in the world from his mind at the moment, his thoughts filled entirely with a million tiny joys. He could meet his nice and nephews, he could take Nariko out to lunch with him, he could hang out with that idiot mate of hers he didn't seem that bad, he could see Nariko by their pool, he could buy them all lots and lots of Christmas presents, he could spend the morning making breakfast for them (okay so he'd need to learn to cook, but still) and he could-

... Okay he was already getting a little messed up just in the course of that thought process, and he knows it, because even as he he was gripping her hand tightly, he was also looking at what little cleavage her mourning dress shows. what the fuck is wrong with him. Her face, her face, her face

( just one more pill and- she had fun that one time right? No. ) ]

Irina? Yeah, she-- she's got a whole life in Europe, so I guess it'd be a real test of how compatible we are to see if she follows me or not.

[ He says this sheepishly but holy shit now he thinks about it practically he needs her there. He needs someone who is willing to take those pills if he's going to be around Nariko all the time and be the good little brother than she wants (he assumes) and she deserves (he knows) ] But I will, I promise. If he says yes, I'll find a place tomorrow.

Well it's good to know I'm still the most important woman in your life. [It's really said with such confidence that it has to be illegal. The way she smiles for him then is - any sort of man that might be attracted to her would run the risk of being a little star struck there, though it's still an expression that's been largely saved for Masaomi.] Probably, at least.

[There was something to be said of being a victim of a terrible mistake. But there was just as much to be said about both sides of a story. Melissa probably had reasons for leaving Joshua, Nariko had her reasons to cling to marriage, and Junko had her reasons for considering monogamy. The key in all of it was choosing which side of the story was worth putting truth in. It was true that Nathan had done a horrible thing against Nariko's will, he'd taken advantage of her trust! But her inability to let someone else be important to him - even their mother - wasn't Nathan's fault, and it meant Nariko was less innocent in certain manners. Because really, in that moment, when he's looking at her chest and she knows that just being near her somehow yanked out his scent? To her it's incomprehensible that Irina might mean more, enough to bring her along.

Nariko doesn't want to see him with anyone else, but she hadn't allowed him to be with her either, and the passive aggressive quips. The need for affirmation from her brother? That was the sign.]

If she gives it a try I'll be nice to her. [No, she won't be. She'll hate Irina and smile at her dully. 'Nice' means not kicking her bass down the longest flight of stairs in her house. Nariko lets go of his hands to give him a proper hug, hiding her face in his chest.] I'm glad you're coming home.

[And there's that sneaking little part of her that adds to me. But she'd sooner lose a limb then let that come out of her mouth.]

[ It probably should be illegal, for what a sucker he is for it, for how much he squirms under the smile, for how much he is compelled to wrap his arms loosely around her shoulders or take the half-step to get her up against the wall in this corner. The most important woman in his life?

It never was anyone but her. He knows that even know, even if he also tries to pretend, at his better moments, that isn't the case. Really, the trick of Irina, the reason why she's lasted so much longer as a romantic partner than most other people in his life, is because she is at least dimly aware of that. She's aware that she's at best the second best, and she's so busy or damaged or both that she's okay with it, finding benefit out of her relationship with Nathaniel and more than willing to be a comfort and a stabilizing force for him. Nathaniel knows he wouldn't be half as successful as he is - probably not personally and certainly not professionally - without Irina. In his most realistic and down to earth moments he knows that he needs her.

But he'd also push her down the stairs if he got the chance to - ... to something with Nariko.

She'd been the one to reject his advances back when he was fifteen, and she'd been the one who had been fucking everyone that moved instead of paying attention to him (but then, on the other hand, he couldn't blame her. Their mother beat the living shit out of her whenever she was around) when he was twelve. And then --

His memory was hazy, even at the best of times. He didn't know if she took the pill because he asked (realistically, even if he did ask, he was still in the midst of a prolonged borderline suicidal breakdown, so what choice did she have) or because he forced it on her. His memory of that weekend is the blur. What was clear was when she shouted at him, insulted him, and he knew then that he was a freak and they fell out of contact. And yet - here she was. ]

You? I -- I'm glad that I could come home. I've always wanted to come home, be a family again!

[ Sure, there's the complication of that pack and he's not sure how he feels about his brother in law yet but he can be with her and see his nephews and nieces? He's over the moon ]

[Here she was.

It didn't feel as wrong as it should have to hold him, and the idea of spending more time with him didn't scare her as much as she'd convinced herself that it would. He was here and had worked so hard and she couldn't really imagine planning any of this or going through it without her brother. Sure, things had been weird before but that was a long time ago. Wouldn't Masaomi tell her to look toward the future? Or something like that. She won't let him too close to Junko at first but everything Nathan had done told her that he was trying. And it was good! It could work.

That she was being selfish and demanding, even cruel, wasn't the point and she wouldn't focus on that part. They were supposed to be together as a family, that was only right. Her true wrong was not attempting to fix it all earlier.]

Well, now it can happen.

[Nathan didn't plan on moving into the house so she can't imagine why Masaomi might really have an issue with it. She finally pulls away enough to look up at him and say,] It can be a fresh start for the both of of us. [Does she really need to let her fingers kind of muss up at the hair along the nape of his neck? Probably not, but it's an old habit with him. Before that rather fateful event she'd always been affectionate with her brother, to the extent that more than a few people mistook them for a couple.]

[ A new start sounded both nice and awful - it sounded nice simply because there was so much awful baggage in the past and it would be good to be together with her no matter the circumstances. But it would be awful because even in the midst of all of that... he did like some of his memories. Like the way she was mussing his hair now, it made him feel nostalgic and comfortable for a time before he was so much taller than her. Though it also makes him slip up his focus, and release some of his scent again - something he quickly tries to correct for ]

A family, though, Nariko! We can be a family again!

[ He just needs to not fuck it up this time. He sounds positively giddy, actually, in a childish way ] That sounds so wonderful.

Edited 2015-12-30 05:18 (UTC)

[She swears that when he looks this happy it takes years off of him, though she still had trouble believing he was in his thirties to begin with. But that slip up teases out her own scent and, well. It's not as easy for her to reign that back, so now he's going to have to deal with it a bit. Besides, they're basically pretending that this isn't really happening. They can just keep that up, right? That's completely feasible.]

Just give everyone else some time to get used to you, alright? I haven't really gone over the whole thing with the kids. [Junko knew she had an uncle, at least, but neither Koji or Yamato had expressed much interest in their extended family. A part of her can't help thinking it's because they're boys, and because they'd always been fine without anyone but the pack.]

But clearly this means you'll be there for Christmas. [She smiles a little.] It always was fun, wasn't it?

[The holiday. It was the one time of the year where everything was sort of calm around their household. It wasn't as if their mother magically loved her daughter, she just wasn't as physically or verbally violent. It made enough room for Nariko to make a big deal about decorating, singing, and trying to cook together - which never ended well since Nariko was a shitty cook even back then. They usually had take-out of some kind, and she always gave Nathan enough gifts to practically drown himself in. And speaking of that:]

And this year when I get you stuff it can be completely guilt free! [When she was younger all that stuff, which had catered to his interests, either long standing or recent and temporary, had almost been apologies. 'Sorry I'm not strong enough' and 'I'm sorry she makes it so terrible'. That kind of thing.

She's still a pretty crappy sister but now it's a slightly more bearable variety.]

[ In Yamato's case it's because it literally never came up. That and the first time he asked for a class project she had blurted out in a mild panic that he didn't have any aunts or uncles and accepted it as fact. Koji probably had a similar story but who knew with that little shit.

And yes, that pretending is totally what they're doing, but he makes some strange whimpering noise that he turns into a pleased little laugh by the end of it. Because Christmas... ... It was always fun. Sort of. and the memories of it are enough to pull him back into the mood of this being a funeral than to the mood of him being around Nariko like this. ]

They didn't have to be even back then. I loved all of them, you know. [ But... but well, she probably felt they did. still, Christmas! He would clap his hands together but they are firmly around her waist now and he doesn't want to move them ]

How's Christmas at your house? Has to be all decorated to the nines, right? Maybe even an eleven.

[She should move, and insist that they both go back inside to put some more space between them. Because even as he tries to hide it she knows he's reacting in the exact way he isn't supposed to. She's not supposed to be proud of it, either, and yet that's exactly what courses through her. She's incredibly fucked up. This whole thing is a little fucked up but it's so exhausting to constantly be upset by it.] Hm. [She gives him a look that suggests he couldn't have loved everything she got him. That's just statistically impossible.]

Definitely an eleven, it's the best house in our neighborhood! [Which makes up for them falling just a little short last year to their neighbors on the left.] You'll love everyone, I'm sure of it.

[She pauses to look up at him in a particular way, as if she's considering something. Whatever decision is on the line is made, though.]

... I should probably go find Masaomi. [Because they can't really keep bouncing back and forth on each other. She had been verging on an awkward arousal to begin with, and Nathan was just going to make it worse. It was probably better to head it off now and ask her mate for his help. Still, she doesn't really move, and she's still looking up at him, too.]

A real pack, huh... [ But then, her father had had a pack too, right? He smiles a little. It's not like he'd never encountered them before, but when she'd gone with Roman (bag of worms that whole thing was aside) he would never have pictured that to be a source of happiness for her. It just was... really different. Some people in this very funeral probably were snubbing their nose at her for it.

He was glad she was apparently happy though, aside from her mate being an idiot. ]

I'm sure I will- [ And he wants to be cool, he wants to. But at the same time what he ends up whispering out is, ] Why?

[He had! But by the time Nathan came along, or was old enough to have any real memory, her father was already off to rule said pack, the same one that she would inherit upon his death. Their mother had either been single or entangled with Nathan's father at various points, so it wasn't as if Nariko had grown up with packs or ever thought she might be alpha to one, let along the sort-of matriarch of a second. There's no doubt that her involvement with pack nature was part of the classist bullshit but, well there was that saying: Birds of a feather flock together. It really was something Audrey and Nariko had in common as far as origins were concerned.

But in that moment he's really not supposed to ask her why, and she doesn't like how the hint of his voice makes her breathing stutter a little. Yeah, she's only going to get hornier.]

I think you can probably figure that out yourself. [This isn't the birds and the bees talk, after all. He could smell her just as easily as she could him.] It's my fault, I'm just - Haven't really changed since high school. [Her sex drive had always been unnaturally high, and so it might have stood to reason that she came to use sex as a way to cope with things that were difficult. She's at her mother's funeral and turned on, nothing could be better proof of unsettling habits. Now she does try to shift back a little, to just put a sliver of air between their bodies, even though it does leave her a little colder.]

[ Nathaniel isn't sure how he feels now, he just knows that he needs to do something, needs to say something and needs to -- no, he doesn't want to fuck it up. He'd been working hard to not fuck it up. He just told her he wasn't like that anymore, but if she was horny from talking to him-

... No, no, it wasn't like that, as usual ]

Oh... okay. [ . . . ] I'll be here if you need me, and I'll do it.

[You know, this is where she's going to look really stupid, but:]

Do what, exactly?!

[He couldn't have - it's not like he read her mind or anything?! Right??

.... If this is a basic misunderstanding then just kill her, okay. It would be the merciful outcome.]

[ It is, unfortunately for both, a misunderstanding. And it's surprise are her reaction, perhaps even a misunderstanding of what she means himself which sees both his scent coming out and not capped as quickly as before and his eyes widening as he takes a step back - ]

Not -- that! No, I'm sorry.

[Okay, she can't help looking a little disappointed, because wow Nathan. You didn't need leap away like she was disgusting! ... He only took a step but she's exaggerating, alright.] Sorry - I didn't mean to suggest it was just ... I know you have a girlfriend.

[A stupid bitch of a girlfriend.]

I'm gonna go find Masaomi. [She isn't actually, but she makes it look as if she's going back into the room again, where her mate is likely speaking idly or maybe just sitting there. That poor man was an even bigger fish out of water than Narko was.

It's going to take her a few minutes to realize that the answer she gave him wasn't right. Hindsight, and all that. ]

[ why did she look at him like that, either with surprise or disappointment. Why did she bring up Irina, when for all these years she had put the distance between them precisely because he had so wrong her. The shouting she did at him echoed in the back of his mind, and he's left standing there, his soul shattered and his eyes wide and uncomprehending of what... just happened.

And the worst of it is that he watches her ass as she goes and whimpers. And he's left there, in that state...

Before he knows he needs to go find her. Or her stupid mate. Or both. They would be together, right? If they went at it here like they did that night (ugh, the noise...) everyone would notice-

( Masaomi is indeed trying to mingle, trying to look presentable and respectable and keep all the older people focused on him and not the siblings. It's deadful, but he is trying ) ]

[She should go and find her mate, yes, which would put them back together as a rightful pair but ... Honestly she's thinking along the same lines. If she goes to Masaomi they'll probably end up shaking this whole building and Nariko didn't have any love for her mother but there was such a thing as respect for the dead. So while she does appear to duck back into the correct room she also comes out of it not even a full twenty seconds later.

There's the bathrooms, of course, but then it kind of sounds like someone is sniffling in there and she can't get herself off like that. There's an empty room that isn't being used, it's just a wide, blessedly empty space, so that's where she's going to be.

And Masaomi is still doing his best, so Nathan ends up with a choice. The mate, or his sister?]

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UH this is an awesome start gosh you were worried for nothing

Hahaha well let's see if I can keep it up.

You can I have faith in you

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can I keyword these keywordless ones?

Go for it!

okay awesome

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